Tis The Season.....

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, have a blissful Soyaluna and enjoy a very intoxicated Las Posadas everybody!

And now a word from our god....our sponsors

I love the December holidays.  Sure, the weather drops to below freezing and my glasses fog up every time I walk into a warm building, but it’s worth it.  There is nothing like sitting at home with a nicely mixed jack and coke with feet kicked up on the couch while the fireplace is crackling in the background.  Not only that, but I get to make fun of people who wear ridiculous holiday outfits as well as convincing people to try my newly improved “lemon sherbet.”  It truly is the season to be jolly.

MVT

Let’s act like we’re being original here.

HAS ANYONE ELSE NOTICED THAT TIM TEBOW HAS WON A BUNCH OF GAMES!?

UPDATE! MY PREDICTIONS WERE MOSTLY SHIT!

UPDATE!

If you can't recall, I made some shit-housed predictions a couple months ago that turned out horribly. I could make the excuse that I was drunk, but I won't. I meant what I said.  At the time they sounded good, but now I can see why people laugh when I tell them I want a bookie (I only have two kneecaps).

My predictions are also pissed on

Untitled

Don't worry, we have zero baggage fees!

I’m not even going to put a title for this article.  This NBA is a fucking mess.  Less than an hour into signing the papers making everything official to open training camps tomorrow, the NBA vetoed a trade that sent Chris Paul to the Lakers.  Less than thirty minutes into the trade going live, David Stern and his infinite wisdom pulled the plug on the deal, stating this is not the message to send coming off the heels of the lockout. 

Ohhh boy.  The NBA really fucked this one up.

New Orleans is owned by the NBA.  The NBA has the right to veto any personnel move within the league.  Really? Where were you guys during the Melo-drama last year? Remember the whole Lebron James/Chris Bosh incident? Well where were you for that? This trade did not break any rules, was fair on paper, and was orchestrated by New Orleans.  Vetoing this trade makes every inch of respect I gained this summer for the league fly right out the window and here’s why:

David Stern stated that he vetoed the deal because the owner’s felt the players New Orleans were receiving weren’t up to par.  Are you kidding me?  Giving up an All-NBA all-star and reigning 6^th man of the year winner (whom might I add always drew speculation that if he was starting he could produce all-star numbers) for another all-star is a pretty sweet deal considering CP3 was bound to leave New Orleans.  Look me in the eye and tell me that the Chris Bosh sign-n-trade deal to Miami was more fair than this?  If you want to veto this I expect every trade for Chris Paul vetoed till he leaves New Orleans and signs with L.A or New York, making this whole veto deal useless.

I'd be pretty pissed off too if I found out my trip to the beach was cancelled 

Davis Stern also stated that he vetoed the trade because he didn’t want Chris Paul orchestrating where he would end up.  I want to add that I had to take a deep breath of air to write the next couple of lines, that’s how frustrating this whole scenario is to me as an NBA fan.  Did anybody here watch that ESPN special a couple years back, The Decision?  Did you happen to catch the Melo-drama from last year? Carmelo told Denver to trade him to New York.  Carmelo essentially took out his laptop, opened Microsoft Word, and wrote a script for how he would end up in New York.  LeBron literally did what I hypothetically said Carmelo Anthony did with his TV special.  Chris Paul never orchestrated this, he declined an offer from the Hornets, and the Hornets opened up trade talks.  What happens next should be history, but of course David Stern and his greedy pockets thought otherwise.

If LeBron didn't orchestrate this, then who did? Aliens.

As I said, the NBA proudly owns the New Orleans Hornets.  That’s smart; let a financially depriving league own a financially deprived franchise with their biggest asset becoming a free agent in the pending months.  If the NBA owns the Hornets, why would they open up trade talks to begin with? They must have told Hornets GM Dell Demps to find a deal that works and he did.  Demps must be mortified about how this turned out, however, Chris Paul is most likely set to explode.  By letting the owners discuss and pressure David Stern to veto this trade, every trade from now on for Paul will be vetoed because the owners now know they have some power.  Regardless of the owners power, every trade for CP3 should be vetoed if this one is going to be vetoed.  Technically no trade is going to benefit both sides, New Orleans is clearly going to be on the short end of the trade unless they can swap for Deron Williams, but they cant.  By the NBA’s logic, the only way to snag Paul is to offer more than just one all star and a borderline all star (Lamar was in the all-star talk last year).  Lets see another team come up with that package and is willing to pull the trigger. 

Wasn’t the whole point of the lockout to help small market teams? For once, the small market teams were winning this deal.  LeBron’s deal did not help the small market Cavaliers, and what did Bosh help the Raptors get? Hedo Mutherfucking Turkoglu? Paul’s trade gave two small market teams a legit chance to build after losing their superstars, with Houston losing Yao and the Hornets CP3.  The Rockets got Gasol, a night in and night out fundamental machine while New Orleans got Odom, Scola, Martin and Dragic, all four consitent players that would be great to start any rebuilding process.

Vetoing this trade made every future trade in this league that much harder to pull.  Rumor has it Paul wants to sue the NBA and is looking into legal action.  There are also rumors going around that he will bail on training camp tomorrow until this mess is sorted out.  However, one thing is certain: The NBA is a fucking mess, go back to the drawing board guys.

MY SHINNY ORANGE BALL! SEE IT HAS MY NAME ON IT!

Also, fucking Phil Jackson was able to predict this a year ago.  Clearly he is the wisest man in Basketball’s history.  When asked what he thought of the NBA purchasing the Hornets and how it relates to Chris Paul:

"Who’s going to pull the button on it?" Jackson asked. "When Chris [Paul] says he has to be traded, how’s that going to go? … Someone’s going to have to make a very nonjudgmental decision on that part that’s not going to irritate anyone else in the league."

JTU

This just makes me sick

Yeah, Still Hate You Assholes

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Locked Out: The Final Chapter

"Locked Out" is satire. It is how we here at DGS imagine the NBA Lockout talks sounding like. Enjoy.

 

David Stern: OK, we’ve cancelled pre-season and at least ten games. We are willing to negotiate but our patience is running out.

Let's Get Ready For Tip-Off

After 149 brutal days, both NBA players and coaches have agreed on a tentative deal that could potentially end the NBA lockout, with the first set of games to be played on Christmas Day.  To celebrate this joyous occasion, I am going to be getting shittered tonight.  I’ll be as drunk as Metta World Peace in his rookie season drinking Hennesey at half time, and as fucked as Michael Beasley was during the entire lockout.

Rum Ham and Football... FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!

We have a rum ham, we have football all day so can you tell me why we wouldn't do it live? I can't... So come on in and join us in celebrating American Thanksgiving by getting loser drunk and watching football for 12 straight hours...

We Are All Witnesses... to a Douchebag

This endless NBA Lockout has forced me to get my basketball fix elsewhere. I have been watching absurd amounts of NBA Classics to feed my addiction. Last week, the 1998 NBA Finals between Jordan’s Bulls and Utah’s dynamic duo of Stockton and Malone was played out game by game. The combination of watching these games and my own boredom has left me time to make some conclusions.

Michael Jordan is the uncontested greatest basketball player to ever play the game, and the man billed to be his successor, LeBron Raymonde James, will never have this honor. 

If a statue of LeBron James were to be placed in Cleveland, Ohio, 20 years from now, one thing is certain. That statue would come down faster than a monument for Muammar Gaddafi in Libya. The question I ask is this: when LeBron James plays his final game, will the crowd even cheer for him?

The Closest Thing We've Ever Had To An Actual Article...

So I'm taking a sports writing class and our latest assignment was to write our own sports column and I chose to write about the whole Penn State thing (real original right!?). I figured I'd post it on here considering it kills two birds with one stone... I finished my assignment and I can add a post to the site. There's not a single bad word and it's not funny at all, but I hope you enjoy it anyways...

My Loose Change: Female Sideline Reporters

First off, id like to introduce you guys to a little segment I like to call “My Loose Change.”  In these posts I will be ranting about sport related things that either rattle my cage, churn my butter, or anything in between.  Most of the time these will be complete nonsense, but will likely add a smirk or two to your daily Obicularis Oris workouts (finally, anatomy going to use! Oh and to answer everyone’s question, that’s your muscle that helps you smile :).  I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed the headache of trying to avoid using “My Two Cents” as the title of this segment- fuck you Kent Brockman!

NFL Power Ranking Week 10 - What is, YOU SUCK!?

EEHHHOOO! It’s Saturday, so that means I have procrastinated for another week and I have to put up some power rankings. What a week, my fantasy team lost again, I only got drunk once, and I watched jeopardy 4 out of the 5 nights. You are a seductive temptress, Trebek.

We'll Miss You Smoking Joe.

I came across an awesome Simpsons clip the other day, so awesome that i think it belongs right here on DrunkGuySports.  It has booze, bar fights, and even Smokin' Joe.

Smokin' Joe, you truly were a man of quality or condition of being excellent.  In my mind, you're the winner of The First Annual Montgomery Burns Award in the Field of Excellence.

P.S. I DO NOT OWN THIS VIDEO.  COPYRIGHT BELONGS TO FOX AMERICA CORPORATION, THEY OWN IT.

I AM JUST USING IT TO TRY AND GET A LAUGH OUT OF YOU FUCKER'S.  PLEASE DONT TAKE IT DOWN!

I BET YOU YOU'RE ALL READING THIS IN YOUR HEAD LIKE SOMEONE'S YELLING AT YOU

In all seriousness, one of the greatest athletes of all time, and a wonderful human being passed away recently and we at DGS just wanted to reflect on this. According to Webster's he had all the qualities of being excellent, and according to his millions of fans and the generations Joe inspired, he was great. R.I.P. Joe.

-DGS

NFL Power Rankings Week 9 - IM BACK

Yeah, it’s been a while, but let’s face it, nothing has happened. There’s no point in me writing this shit out every week if nothing is going to happen (I know shit has happened, don't get all "YO SO MUCH HAPPENED IDIOT" on me. I've been busy). Also, there’s no way I’m gonna write this out when no one gives me feedback on it. “Hey Brad, your power rankings are good,” or something like that you assholes. Some guy I just met last night complimented me on these and he knew me for 6 minutes. Some of you people have known me for 20 years. Jesus some friends. 
Here are your rankings:

Locked Out: Episode One

This is a completely fabricated, satirical exaggeration of what we here at DGS imagine the NBA Lockout negotiations sounding like. Here is a recap of the first week of the labor talks.

David Stern: Hello everyone, let’s try and be as productive as possible, there’s a lot to be done and we want to salvage as much basketball as possible to avoid slipping into obscurity.

Happy Hallloween Bitches

Yes, I know were a day late, but what do you expect from a bunch of drunken baboons. Did you really think we would waste our Halloween weekend trying to come up with posts for you guys to read? That’s what I thought. Like your professors, we have lives outside of our work believe it or not, and in our lives we live for two things: Booze and Pussy

Even Better Game 7 Live Blog

World Series Game 7 2011 Live Blog

To be honest, we didn’t think we would be doing this tonight.  After one of the most incredible baseball games ever (We've never seen Josh so interested in baseball in our lives) we decided that we should take the success of our Alexander’s Keith’s live blog and do the exact same thing tonight.  Also, it gives us an excuse to get shittered to a point where we don't care about what other people think.  So stay tuned for some progressively worse posts with progressive hilarity.  Shout out to Josh who can’t join us tonight because of an exam, tear that shit a new asshole!

8:32:  Looks like we are off to a fast start, I cant believe I am actually watching a full baseball game, id rather be watching paint dry

JTU

8:43  I just found out we're doing this and it's already the second inning... It's 2-2 and both teams have already had a few fuck ups... Brads drinking wine so this could get completely out of hand...
NJN

8:54 It just came to my attention that Josh wrote the intro to this post and referred to himself in the third person...What an ass...
NJN

8:58 Like really, the guy fucking gave a shout out to himself... After getting off to an exciting start this game has become about as exciting as the Browns game last Sunday
NJN

9:02 Jack from Craig... I also have a 10 dollar bet on the Cards with Brad sooooo FUCK YEAH!
NJN

9:09 I wish this game was in Texas....Last time they played in Texas I made a game out of the boring points of the sport (about 90%), see which Texan has the biggest hat.
JTU

Leafs, from a different perspective...

So a few of my friends decided that they like our site, and a some even wanted to write a few things for us. I said of course. Any less unpaid work I have to do is fine with me.
We've all been busier than usual, which means less drinking, less writing, less podcasts (you wouldn't think that was possible), and more actual work. However, a few people out there (god bless'em) have the time to drink copious amounts of alcohol in these times of essays and midterms. So you could imagine my excitement when I found this drunken gem in my inbox a few days ago. My good buddy Kyle took it on himself to write an article that not only makes zero sense, but will also offend hockey fans everywhere. I am a huge fan of this piece as it exemplifies what it means to be a nonsensical drunken silly-nanny.

Without further ado, the completely unedited,

Kyle: On The Leafs

Alexander Keith's Bday Live in Concert

I'm home alone watching the Phillies blow it when I come up with this ingenious idea to live blog as we drink for my favorite quasi-holiday. Josh is on his way over with a rum of some kind and apparently, there is a restaurant gift certificate that says alcohol all over it since we have already eaten. Prediction: our posts go downhill from this moment on.   ITS GO TIME.
7:47pm ET
-BJWS

That Just Happened...

Baseball oh baseball, it only took 161 games but you just made me poop myself sober.

NFL Power Rankings Week 4 - Paint Man C and the Colts

Does anyone know what's happening in the NFL? It's like M. Night Shyamalan is calling the shots this year. I officially don't know what is going to happen anymore and it's only Week 4. All this insanity is making it harder to write these damn rankings, and I'm not ok with that. So I'm going to put teams where I think they should be, because doing research is for suckers. And let's face it, no one is reading these articles for advice anyway (If you are, you probably have a serious health problem and I would recommend getting a brain scan). Also, fuck the Bills.

Hangover Saturday: The Bengals Did Something Illegal Again...

$2.50 jager bombs really kick you in the ass the next morning. I went 11-5 last week which moves me to 19-12 for the season...not bad for someone who could have been declared legally blind last night. Again the slate for games this week isn’t that special, but it should weed out some teams that have been hanging around the past 2 weeks that have no business even being considered a contender (the bills). So lets get into some of the more intriguing matchups then I’ll make my picks for the rest of the game, then I’m going to sweat out something that would get you more fucked up then four loko.

NFL Power Rankings - Week 3

Here you go you filthy animals. I would like to be consistent in spite of my own drunk as shitness. I am very tired but I will write this because I hope that one day, my week 3 NFL power rankings will strike it big.

DISCLAIMER: I woke up this morning- after blacking out on Jagerbombs, to this post half finished. I refuse to change anything I wrote because I find it hilarious.

Hey! You over there! What are you up too?

Today is Thursday (it's actually Friday...we ended up drinking and forgetting to post this in time)

Thursday begins with a T

Therefore, my drink of choice for today is tequila (GET IT!?)

With my cheapest and dirtiest tequila on the rocks in one hand and the randomly sticky Rogers remote in the other, I find myself channel surfing for something good to watch.  Lets see here….Teen Mom is on, that’s always a good laugh.  I’ve seen every Simpsons and Seinfeld episode known to man, and I don’t feel like watching Storage Wars for the 10 time today, so I did what every man would do: turn on the Xbox 360 to get my game on!

Boozy Memoir #UN: Delightful Umpires and Larry Merchant is Piiissed

Watching sports when you’re drunk can produce two things. The first is nothing, you retain nothing, remember nothing, contribute nothing and wake up feeling sad and shaky needing Pizza Hut to live. The second is you come to some conclusions about what you are watching. Sometimes these conclusions are dumb as shit, sometimes you think they are cool only to be told later that they are dumb as shit. Either way, here are some things I took away from watching sports intoxicated recently.

Hangover Saturday - Rexy sure is Sexy

Sitting here knee deep in Smoke’s Poutine and beer pong cups, I should probably be more concerned about being the cause of the contagion outbreak then picking football games, but such is life. Last week I went 8-7, which isn’t the greatest but there were some games that were as predictable as Charlie Sheens next coke binge. Between Sexy Rexy, the Bills, and Cinncy doing the impossible, it was tough to hold onto an above 500 record. There aren’t nearly as many big time games this week, but football is football so let’s get to it.

We Need More Power Captain - NFL Power Rankings

"Let Me Tell You Why I Suck"

The hurling under a pool table, not giving a fuck, possibly yelling at inanimate objects, alcohol induced absolute shit show known as frosh week is now over. I’ve spent the last week taking orders from a texas mickey named Hubert, but he’s gone now, and I can begin to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. My first order of business of course is to get reacquainted with the wide world of sport that has so quickly passed me by during my drunken attempts to watch highlights. There’s a lot going on right now between NHL training camps due to start this weekend (I'll be posting a season preview in the next few weeks), the hunt for October in baseball, and football season finally being upon us. There’s a lot I could discuss right now but considering this probably isn’t your first stop for sporting news I’m not going to bore you with discussions about Tom Brady (I told you all the Green Bay hype would switch over), Cam Newton, or Jose Bautista. Between TSN, SportsNet, The Score and The Network, that shit gets beaten to death. Besides, a half-sober half-left side of my body is numb, rant shouldn’t be about what people did right, it should be about calling people out on how bad they are. And I couldn’t have a rant about people being bad at what they do, without including the master himself,

Locked Out

Can someone please tell me how long this hangover will last?

For those of you still living under the empties from last St. Patty’s Day, the NBA has been locked out since July 1st. Why? Well it’s quite simple really. The already rich fat-cat “PJ penny packing” owners of the 30 NBA teams want to make more money, while “I cant believe he’s still getting paid to suck on Michael Jordan’s dick” (cough cough Kwame Brown) type of players don’t want to give up the ridiculous pocket picking contracts they already have.

Shit-Housed Predictions

If there are two things you should know about me it’s that I always pick retarded upsets, and I always make even more retarded bets about these upset picks. That is why I have decided the following:

Prediction 1

Drunk Prediction: Houston Texans will win the AFC South 

Poopy Pants Drunk Prediction: The Houston Texans will win the Superbowl

Hangover Saturday: Sean Peyton made a boo-boo and fuck Dallas

Week 1 began on Thursday and although I can’t remember much of the game, I woke up to two seemingly certain facts, Sean Peyton is the worst play caller in football and Green Bay will win the Super Bowl. I quickly threw on the highlights and much of the game slowly started to creep back into my memory. I quickly realized the day after hype surrounding this game seems a bit much. Don’t get me wrong, that game was an incredible start to what promises to be an exciting season, but it still was just one game. Sean Peyton will make a ballsy call that will go his way and everyone will forget about Thursday’s goal line stand, and Rodgers will have a bad game and everyone will start the Brett comparisons again.

Despite the fact that Green Bay has already been crowned Super Bowl champions, other teams will actually be playing tomorrow and there are a couple good games to keep an eye on.

inTRadud5uCKtion?..

Sitting on a couch, inside of a student house, three men- Gary Busey drunk were arguing. The house was a repulsive town-home, blasted with dipping sauce and dog shit and a blatant disregard for the no smoking clause in the lease. It was once described as “What the inside of a garbage bag must feel like”. The television- a 100$ purchase on Kajiji was firmly glued to highlights. Shouts of “The Eagles are a bunch of gaylords”, “LeBron is on steroids”, and “Fuck the Bruins” can be heard through the paper thin walls on this Tuesday night. 

This was a regular occurrence for us three at any given time last year. In our drunken haze we decided that what we were arguing about was important and everyone should know about it. We then started to record our vulgar, incoherent, boarder-line retarded conversations for all to hear. Do we know what we're talking about? Sometimes, and sometimes we are too drunk to know the difference between vodka and Aqua-Velva (vodka tastes like shit). However, we do all share a love for sports, drinking heavily and debating about sports while drinking heavily. You might hate what we have to say or think we suck, and that’s fine, just know that you, sir, are a silly nanny.* 

We make no guarantees regarding quality to listeners and readers other than we are serious fans with above average knowledge and poor work ethic. Nic thinks he’s smart but I’ve seen him pee his pants, and Josh displays 7 of the 8 characteristics of a sociopath. So if you are also a fan of sporting events and getting shitty- pee pants drunk, read on. The three of us all bring something different to the table and have had interest from a number of guest writers and more guests for our podcast to keep people from hating us.

We are hoping to put together some decent articles and a podcast every couple of weeks or maybe we won’t, who the hell knows. I’m wasted and this could just be a dream for all I know.

-BJWS

*(If you like our material- you may be an idiot as well)