Today is Thursday (it's actually Friday...we ended up drinking and forgetting to post this in time)
Thursday begins with a T
Therefore, my drink of choice for today is tequila (GET IT!?)
With my cheapest and dirtiest tequila on the rocks in one hand and the randomly sticky Rogers remote in the other, I find myself channel surfing for something good to watch. Lets see here….Teen Mom is on, that’s always a good laugh. I’ve seen every Simpsons and Seinfeld episode known to man, and I don’t feel like watching Storage Wars for the 10 time today, so I did what every man would do: turn on the Xbox 360 to get my game on!
As I power up my NBA 2K11 association, feelings of satisfaction and depression started overwhelming my mind, and it did not sit well, kind of like a poorly mixed tequila popper. Running my fast break to perfection always puts a smile to my face, but then I start to remember that this is going to be the only way im going to get my NBA fix this year, through a fucking pixilated simulation where Kobe Bryant looks like an alien.
I said it once, and I’ll happily say it again- I’m a huge NBA fan. I love every second of it, from tip-off to Jeff Van Gundys retarded comments.
I wonder what the NBA players are doing to pass the time. They’re not allowed to train at their facilities or with trainers. They cannot talk to coaches or do anything on the NBA level…..So what the fuck are they doing! I’m about 2 bottles deep, and here is what I came up with.
1) Kobe Bryant is practicing his “Kobe face”
Have you ever stared in the mirror and attempted the “Kobe face?” it’s fucking impossible! The man must practice this as regularly as his jump shot. You know Kobe is a perfectionist and a face that isn't top notch just won't cut it. It's a face that says I'm angry yet adorable, like an overprotective Scottish terrier. You know shits about to go down when you see the mamba pull out his Kobe face. So while Kobe wont be able to work out, he will be working out his jaw.
2) The curious case of ‘young but old’ looking players
I seriously don’t get it. There’s no way Greg Oden is 23. Just look at the old man, he looks like he’s 55 (although something of his is about 55…..never mind). Greg is not the only ‘curious’ case in the NBA, Lebron James seems to be getting balder by the second as his receding hairline was the talk of the summer, including a sucker punch from Brandon Jennings (BJ tweeted “just like your hairline….keep the headband on”). The point is, these guys better be practicing their excuses for why they look the way they do, or else they’ll become the human punching bag like I am in our little blogging group
3) Hows my hair?
What does Sasha Vujacic, Andrea Bargnani, and Andrei Kirilenko have in common? Besides the fact that there all European players, they all LOVE their hair. Seriously, have you ever watched Andrea play? His hair is always gelled to perfection, because, you know, you have to impress the lady’s while hanging out on the perimeter all day. I’m 90% sure that these players spend more time on their hair then their free throws or lay-ups, except for Andrea- gelling his hair is his pre-game routine, that and a good bowl of Primo GrainWise. Keep on practicing your pasta eating abilities Bargsbag.
4) What are you wearing!?
Ever since the NBA made a dress code mandatory for injured players, we’ve seen some pretty ridiculous outfits on the sidelines, like Craig Sagers flower suits to Dywane Wade self promoting band-aids. In my mind, these guys need to step up there game. I want more ridiculous suits! All I know is whenever I get the chance to dress up in a rediculous outfit (for example, tonight is sex party...guess who has his leopard pajamas ready!!) i take it. Just look at Raymond Felton on his draft day, now that’s an outfit I can dig.
5) ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! REF!? WHAT GAME ARE YOU WATCHING!
Do me a favor—next time (whenever that may be) you can watch a basketball game, watch Stephen Jackson on the Bucks. I swear to god, every time the whistle blows this guy has a problem with the call. I’m pretty sure I once saw him argue a call that was for his team! He's not the only player that does this, and after so many years of playing have they not learned anything? It boggles my fucking mind why these players argue the referees, do they really think that they have a shot of changing the call? For example, lets say D12 gets fouled by Bynum, and Dwight’s heading to the line while Bynum is arguing with the ref while Dwight is in mid shot. Does Bynum really think the ref is gonna go back on his call, and take away Dwight’s two shots? Suck it up Big Boy, just don’t go throwing elbows