Friday, 16 September 2011

"Let Me Tell You Why I Suck"

The hurling under a pool table, not giving a fuck, possibly yelling at inanimate objects, alcohol induced absolute shit show known as frosh week is now over. I’ve spent the last week taking orders from a texas mickey named Hubert, but he’s gone now, and I can begin to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. My first order of business of course is to get reacquainted with the wide world of sport that has so quickly passed me by during my drunken attempts to watch highlights. There’s a lot going on right now between NHL training camps due to start this weekend (I'll be posting a season preview in the next few weeks), the hunt for October in baseball, and football season finally being upon us. There’s a lot I could discuss right now but considering this probably isn’t your first stop for sporting news I’m not going to bore you with discussions about Tom Brady (I told you all the Green Bay hype would switch over), Cam Newton, or Jose Bautista. Between TSN, SportsNet, The Score and The Network, that shit gets beaten to death. Besides, a half-sober half-left side of my body is numb, rant shouldn’t be about what people did right, it should be about calling people out on how bad they are. And I couldn’t have a rant about people being bad at what they do, without including the master himself,

Tony “I Promise It Won’t Happen Again” Romo
 There’s only one thing better than a Dallas loss, a Dallas loss caused by a Tony Romo fuck up. The guy just oozes choke, and for a league that prides itself on judging players by how they perform in clutch situations, the fact that Romo is still considered a top QB is laughable. Seriously, in 5 years the guys only won one playoff game. Sure his regular season numbers are great, but unless Jerry Jones plans on drafting Romo to his fantasy team for the next 5 seasons, Dallas seriously needs to start figuring out a back up plan because fans will be calling for Tonys head in no time (sorry J Witt-Dawg).  

Denvers O-Line is causing Kyle Orton to become a sad lonely alcoholic
The poor man was sacked 34 times last year. After hearing all off-season about how Denvers O-line is a young and improved squad I was really hoping for the best for poor Kyle. Then Monday night happened. Kyle was sacked 5 times against the mighty defence of the RAIDAHS. Now I know it’s only one game and I’m the last guy to jump to early conclusions, but my God, you’d think after allowing 34 sacs, the O-line would want to come out and send a message. Instead, Orton is on pace to be sacked 80 times. Tebow fans, you may get your wish and see the golden boy get his start because Orton and Quinn may just say fuck it and go split on a 60 of J.D.  And you know, Tim’s a winner, so I’m sure that will work out great for you guys...

Dustin Byfuglien is fat
This happened over the summer but it’s worth noting now because Winnipeg is opening camp this weekend. Over the summer Dustin decided to rock a couple pints while out on his boat, then, in good ol’ Tiger Woods fashion, he got caught. He is now facing some legal troubles and it is still up in the air as to how it will affect his ability to cross the border to get to Winnipeg. The story could end here and Byfuglien would still be considered a class-A fuck up, but it manages to get better. When Dusty went to jail he had to check in, and part of that involved getting weighed, and the results were mind-numbing. The guy weighed in at 286 lbs. 

TWO HUNDREAD and EIGHTY SIX POUNDS!!! He played at 245 last year, which means he’s put on 40 pounds of off-season weight. So who cares if he can legally make it to camp, what happens when he gets there? He’s gained so much weight he’s going to finish preseason with more Paul Bissonnette hat tricks (look it up) then he will shifts. Either way, this is a great start to the doomed from the start franchise Jets.  

Boston sucks on the field and Tampa sucks in the stands
Someone forgot to tell Boston you have to finish the regular season before you can make the playoffs, and someone forgot to tell fans in Tampa they’re in the hunt for the wild card! Boston is 2-8 in their last 10, which includes 4 losses to the Jays and 4 losses to Tampa. In the entire month of September they have won 3 games. I’m not sure if the players in Boston just feel entitled now, that they should automatically make the playoffs, but Tampa is hot as hell right now, and if Boston doesn’t get off their pedestal and start playing tough ball, Tampa is going to remove them. I can’t imagine what the headlines are like in Boston right now, but I’m sure there something along the lines of “JAHNNY DAMMON IS A FACKIN QWEEAH.” Tampa on the other hand is 7-3 in their last 10 which include some big time wins against The Sox and are now only 3 games back of a wild card. Fans in Tampa must be going crazy, selling out all their games and cheering their team on to a playoff birth. Yeah, and it’s also safe to go to an Oakland game wearing 49ers gear. Attendance at Tropicana Field is down this year from last, and this past weekend Tampa hosted a huge series against Boston and attendance for the Friday and Saturday night games were 18,487 and 24,566 respectively. Capacity at Tropicana is 34,000 so even the Saturday game was still 10,000 below capacity and those are only the reported attendance figures, which are usually higher than the actual number. I don’t really have a joke here, just that it’s a damn disgrace that a team like Tampa is going balls to the wall to make a playoff run and the old retirees of Tampa can’t return the favour and pony up some retirement money to go see a game.


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