This is a completely fabricated, satirical exaggeration of what we here at DGS imagine the NBA Lockout negotiations sounding like. Here is a recap of the first week of the labor talks.
Dwyane Wade: WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN “EVERYONE”, STERN!
DS: I was referring to everyone sitting in this room Dwyane. What did I say about yelling?
Derek Fisher: Hey Dwyane, please calm down, we’re all friends here ok? The important thing is that we all have fun, give 110%, we all hug it out and shoot some hoops! Doesn’t that sound swell?
Vince Carter: Man, I don’t give a fuck.
DS: Yes, Vince, we know.
DW: Yeah what the fuck? Who let this motherfucker in here?
VC: Aiight, I’m leaving. But I just want you guys to know that I could have been the best. I don’t care though.
DW: Vince get the fuck out.
DF: Yes Vince, could you please leave? Your apathy is bothering Dwyane and the other guys.
VC:Yeah I’m leaving (mumbling as he walks out the door) mmhmhm..Don’t even... care though..mmhmm..
Hedo Turkoglu: Man that man guy bum Eedo out. Jou gknow these tings?
DF: Hedo how did you get in here, all you ever talk about is Orlando.
HT: Chyess but Horlando is where Ball.
DW: GET THE FUCK OUT HEDO!
DS: Ok everyone, let’s get into this. The owners have a strong position here. We have very little wiggle room and we aren’t afraid to cut games.
DF: Don’t you think these are strong-arm tactics? I mean that doesn’t sound like fun at all, and frankly I want to hug you at least 10% less now.
DW: YEAH THAT WOULD BE BULLSHIT!
DS: You guys need to adjust your position, and stop yelling, or else I’ll make it a week.
DF: David, no.
DS: 2 WEEKS!
DW: WHAT THE FUCK STERN!
DS: IT’S GOING TO BE A MONTH IF YOU KEEP IT UP, DWYANE!
(from a corner of the conference room where the light bulb had burnt out a voice echoes):
DS: Uh, Hello?
Kevin Garnett: David Stern. I might have a proposition.
DS: (trembling) Ohh, Jeez, He..hello Mr. Garnett... Didn’t see you there... Umm HeHow um..Are you?
KG: NOT GOOD DAVID. NOT VERY FUCKING GOOD.
DS: Whwell, ththat is understandable... The..the season..
KG: IS LOCKED OUT.
DS: Y-yes. B-but I..
KG: YOU are fucking with KG. He doesn’t like it.
DW: Oh shit, now you gonna get it David.
KG: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH DWYANE, I’M TALKING.
DW: (under his breath) oooo David’s gonna get itttt..
KG: HERE IS MY PROPOSITION. WE SACRIFICE THREE VIRGINS EVERYDAY FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF PRESEASON TO APPEASE THE GOD’S WHO POSSESS THE KEY FOR OUR LOCKS. THEN WE BEGIN BUILDING THE ROCKETSHIP.
DF: Kevin, what are your talking about?
KG: THE FUCKING ROCKET DEREK, THE ONE THAT WILL TAKE US TO GLORY AND END THIS GOD FORSAKEN LOCKOUT, WHILE DESTROYING ALL THE DARK ENERGY THIS SIDE OF VENUS.
DF: You’re scaring me Kevin
KG: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHH.. BAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAAA.....aaaa....aha...
(Garnett flips a table and leaves)
DW: That guy gets more fucking crazy every time I see him.
DF: (crying quietly) Do you think he was mad at me...?
DS: Um, wow, ok. Shall we continue gentlemen?
Nate Robinson: Did you guys hear the one about the 3 nuns and the hula hoop?
DW: Holy shit, Nate where the fuck you come from?
NR: I was under the table, remember?
DW: Oh yeah... What’s up Nate?
NR: Not much man, just chillin. I met this Puerto Rican dime last night thoughhhh. No doubt you know what that meannnss
DW: OH SHIIIT I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN NASSSTY NATEEE!!
NR: OOHHH YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANNNN??!!
DW: YEAAHHHHH I KNOW WHAT YOUUU MEEAANNNN!!
NR: OHH YAAAHHHHH!??!
DW + NR (in unison) : YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
DF: GUYS SHUT THE FUCK UP!
(they both shut up and stare at Fish)
DF: Oh my... I’m sorry fellas. That garbage talk just really makes me upset.
DW: Yeah I got you Fish.
DS: Holy shit guys... Can we talk now? Kobe you haven’t said a word since you’ve been here, Do you have any input?
Kobe Bryant: Naw
KB: Naw B
DS: Kobe you are vital to this league, what do you propose?
KB: (Takes a long, obnoxious sip of his orange mocha frappacino)....Kobe.
DS: Jesus H.
DW: WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN JESUS “H”
DS: THAT’S IT PRESEASON IS CANCELLED DWYANE, EVERYONE GET THE HELL OUT.
DF: (crying) You are the meanest ever David!!
Hedo: VHAT EEDO MISS? BALL TALK?
DS: GET THE FUCK OUT ALL OF YOU NOW.
(Fisher’s phone rings)
DF: *sniff sniff* Hello?
Vince Carter over the phone: Yo, I could hear from the other room. Ask me if I care dog... Because I don’t.
(Stern shuts off the lights and leaves the room)
DW: OH SHIT HE KNOWS THAT SHUTTING THE LIGHTS OFF PISSES ME OFF
HT: Can somevone take Eedo back to Horlando now?
VC still on the phone: Is that Hedo? Tell him I don’t care too.
Meanwhile, in Boston:
Paul Pierce: Hello?
KG: The plan is almost complete.
KG: Garnett Out. (Hangs up)
PP: Fuckin’ Loonie tunes man. Hey Doc I gotta head to the meetings, KG is trying to build the rocket again.
Ray Allen: Jesus H...