NFL Free Agency is a Dirty, Dirty Whore

DGS does not condone or encourage the solicitation of prostitution in any way. But who the fuck are we to tell you how to party. Just don't say we told you to, because that's fucked up guys.

OK, I google image searched for 'prostitute' and this was one of the pictures that came up. How could I say no to Mr.Bean? I clearly couldn't.

It’s that strange time of year where the combine is over and you aren’t an ESPN insider so you can’t see any god damn mock drafts. What do you do? Read rumor after rumor online like the schlub you are. I’m no better, yesterday I refreshed the NFL.com page three times in a row hoping for new Peyton Manning news. We aren’t bad people, we just need to know, NOW.

"PSSST! Cool sideburns"

We are enjoying an excellent condensed NBA schedule (SO MANY GAMES, ALL THE TIME!), and baseball still lingers in recent memory (remember all those dingers? I do). But now we all sit here drunk and upset because we don’t know what the fuck is going on with the all encompassing NFL. It seems like no one does at this point. There’s a fucking Manning team tracker for christ’s sake.


The off season is in a full sprint and its kneeing us in the ball sack with every stride. They expect us to wait this long for something to happen? It's bullshit when NFL jams its product into our craniums for five months straight like the cerebral bore from Turok: Dinosaur Hunter 64 (I'm so happy I found a way to include that reference).

(EDIT: A reader has informed that the infamous Cerebral Bore didn't appear until Turok 2. A thousand apologizes.)

And now we are left with our brain-matter leaking out of a hole in our heads slobbering on ourselves; waiting for something football- ANYTHING FOOTBALL. We have a borderline addiction. It's not our fault. Who doesn't love the warm embrace of sweet touchdowns and grown men ripping each other's heads off to feast on the delicious innards (See 'Gregg Williams bounty program' for more details). The NFL machine taught us how to love it, but not how to set it free. How can we take a break from something that is such an important piece of our lives nearly half of the year? Heroin? No, don't, track-marks are tacky.

The NFL seduces us and leaves us begging on the streets (or couch) for action. Action. That's the key word here. Without action we have nothing - because our brains have been drilled out, remember? Where do you get action when you are desperate? Sure you could go to the movies, or drink excessively. OR, you could go to the movies and drink excessively- but half price Tuesday is only once a week and last time they caught me urinating in a box of Milk Duds. ACTION, is the name of the game. And that game was named by the master of the game with the ever gamey name: PROSTITUTION.

In short, and English: It has become clear to me that the NFL Free Agency shares a number of qualities to that of a prostitute. So, let's take a borderline offensive adventure through these qualities, shall we? You dirty whore.

1. It is a tease

Whores show you the goods.

Just like a prostitute, the NFL flashes you the goods - mesmerizing your pigskin. Peyton Manning, Brandon Jacobs, Mike Wallace, Dwight Freeney, Mario Williams, Reggie Wayne, Matt Flynn, Vincent Jackson, Plaxico Burress. Here’s a meaty list of team-changing players, BUT NO TOUCH.

We can sit all day and stare at the tracker or hang out at the rumor mill, but the fact of the matter is: some of these players won’t sign until the summer or later. There’s a gold mine of talent giving you blue-balls and it hurts god dammit.

We think that maybe the second free agency starts all these great players will just hop on a new contract. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Money is the issue you see.

2. It’s all about the money

Like the great Ted DiBiase once said: “Money, money, money, money, moneeeeyyy! Everybody’s got a price, everybody’s gonna pay!”

Contracts take for fucking ever to discuss. The nuances of an NFL contract are slightly more complicated than clicking force-trade on your Madden. These guys deserve to get paid, and their agents are going to make sure of it. We just have to wait for them to discuss the details (I heard Stephen Ross throws in Olive Garden coupons - take note, Peyton).

While we wait, “Could I possibly get a Don Knotts for the price of two western-grip HJ’s? Hold the kissing please.”

3. It is mysterious

Just like a scantily-clad woman standing on the street corner, you know nothing about what is happening in NFL free agency. Is her pimp mean to her? Is Denver willing to put Tim Tebow on the back burner? I bet you’ll never see those two sentences beside each other again.

No one can tell you anything substantial. It's all hearsay and strained connections.

Oh, so-and-so visited Arizona. But wait, he has family there. But wait, he said it’s not about family. But wait, he has a friend there. Oh shit wait, a source said it wasn’t about his friend. But hold on, his friend was dog-sitting for him. But that’s not all, his dog is huge Cardinals fan. But his dog was seen with a dead cardinal in his mouth. But wait, that was a toy. Yes, but the toy was a stuffed Larry Fitzgerald. OK, but, he is scheduled to fly to Canada tomorrow. What’s in Canada? Another dog. But the other dog is named Bronco. WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THE BRONCOS ARE FIRST ON THIS GUY’S LIST.

Fuck you. I’d rather be completely in the dark then be told the details of the poor guy’s life who is being stalked around the continent during his vacation.

Key source

4. Someone could get hurt

If you aren’t careful, you could wind up getting pistol whipped by someone named Mr. White Chocolate Brad Flash (NOTE: this is what came up when I typed my name into this pimp name generator). If you follow the free agency like everyone does, including myself, you wind up getting hurt. One day you wake up and order matching Manning and Wayne jerseys, and the next you drink a fifth of jungle juice and watch highlights of college quarterbacks. "He might be good in five years... Maybe..." (throws bottle at wall).

The players could potentially be hurt by the process as well. If they hold out or make rash decisions they could end up missing a lot of season. *COUGH* PAY DREW BREES *COUGH*

5. It happens at night

I assume that every signing takes place under an overpass and everyone wears trench coats. OK, I don’t have a fifth comparison, it just sounds better than four.

So enjoy NFL free agency responsibly. Try not to get too hurt when you inevitably do not land the player your team needs. Thus is the NFL.

Hey baby, lookin' for a good time?

Yes?

NO KISSING!

-BJWS